Holy Shlonk 'n' Jesus!!

By DETROIT JACK, Phallus Press Writer – Sat Oct 32, 1:38 pm ET

Photos by Detroit Jack

As testimony to the slaughter, and witness to the last strings of control, I cowered as Jesus Shlonk scissored his tongue through the vulnerable necks of the unsuspecting punters, whose severed heads lay stacked in the vaulted gallery within the upper chambers of Moon Step haunt, where they are kept as play things for the teasing whip of mS. RIACO.

Once touted for his powers to elude the gaze of all, the Invisible Man was destined to be judged under the bludgeoning eye of Jesus Shlonk in another of Ed Woods gruesome tales of two fisted scum punk! Slashed in the face by a twenty minute set that drove the blind deaf to the vomiting howls of destruction, the last wills of severed heads dimmed with their fingers grasping the red slicked floor to screams of bloody mercy rising from the claws of Jesus Shlonk.

Nails dripping with the blood of rock and roll innocents prayed for the Apocalyptic challenge of any savior within howling distance, but there was no heed to the call on this Halloween eve, as the massacre perpetrated by Shlonk left the black dungeon red and littered with the headless carcasses of unsuspecting merrymakers. "Wanna try? hahaha" he screeched, as the spared piled for the safety of the hallow city streets.

*All photos and content property of Jack Waldron (photos may not be used without written permission)

The Mummies Announce Mummification Plans

The Mummies Announce Mummification Plans
By DETROIT JACK, Phallus Press Writer – Sat Oct 31, 1:37 pm ET

After an historic Tokyo performance by the Mummies at the Halloween Ball 2009, on the 20th Anniversary of Back From The Grave, members of the legendary outfit from San Bruno, CA. announced plans to mummify their Mummy remains. Under an apparent signed agreement by all current band members, their management will seek the expert advice of a practicing mummification embalmer in order to formalize agreements of embalming to take place upon each members death.

Their Tokyo fans cheered the news as a large Canopic jar was placed in the center of the audience for the collection of donations to help the band proceed with their plans. Over $1000 was collected, and free mummified recordings were given to contributors as offerings.

The Mummies members are leaving Tokyo Monday morning for Cairo, where they plan to use the donations to purchase four Canopic jars for each member, which will be stored with an embalmer in Egypt. The band also stated that strict adherence to traditional symbolism on the jars will be followed. However, they reserved the right to choose their preferred artist, who they quickly declared to be Rockin' Jellybean, who has agreed to travel to Egypt some time next year for the ceremonial painting of the Canopic jars.

Upon the return of each members remains to Egypt, a two month mummification process will take place. Each body will be stripped and placed on a board, at which time the brain will be extracted through the nose. The brain cavity will be filled with a combination of linen and resin. Their chests will be cut opened and with the exception of the heart, the organs removed and stored in the four Canopic jars, representing the four sons of Horus. Their body cavities will be washed and packed with natron for 40 days, after which they are dried, sewn back together and sealed with wax, and then cleaned and wrapped in a very thick layer of linen.

In an interview following the Halloween Ball, the Mummies members told this reporter of further plans to begin construction of a four story pyramid on land they had purchased four miles west of the Cairo city limits in the desert. They admitted however, that official building permits had not yet been approved, but that they were unconcerned, as proper authorities had been paid in order to gain written permission.

Overwhelmed by the onslaught, Tokyo punters looked upon their sold out tickets in a holy new light, and word circulated that a garage rock pilgrimage to the future Egyptian site will commence upon the first death of any member of the Mummies.

*All photos and content property of Jack Waldron (photos may not be used without written permission)